Men do have control over how they behave sexually, and the excuse that they can't control their urges is not valid, especially when it comes to high-risk situations that could lead to sexual assault or rape of a woman or a girl.

At the second Male Advocate Training held by the Women and Children Crisis Centre (WCCC) last week, participants were given a couple of scenarios as examples that prove that men can indeed control their sexual behaviour.

“If you are sexually aroused and have the mentality that as a man you cannot control your sexual urges and you are about to have sex with your wife or girlfriend in your house and the house is set alight and a fire breaks out - will you continue to have sex or will you stop and run in fear for your safety? The same goes if you are about to have sex and your child or a relative knocks on your door or walks in unannounced to your house - do you continue or stop almost immediately?” said Tito Kivalu, an inaugural male advocate of WCCC.

Men and sex was a key topic on Day four of the training program. A subject not easily talked about in Tonga because of cultural and religious restrictions, WCCC Director, ‘Ofa Guttenbeil-Likiliki asked "If sex is a taboo topic and we revere it as something sacred that can be discussed between a husband and wife, then how do we explain the high number of teenage unwanted pregnancies, the increase in sexually transmitted diseases and the increase in reported sexual violations including rape and incest?”

“You must also understand that in a situation where the woman does not want to have sex but you continue to persist and persuade her to have sex, this is a high risk situation as it can be considered sexual assault or rape, and you cannot use the justification that as a man you couldn’t control your urges” she told the group.

Mutual consent

The men were also advised that all sexual activity should be by mutual consent, and men are equally responsible for contraception and the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases.

Other issues men discussed at the training include how some men see sex as a competition, bragging and boasting about how many women they have had sexual relations with their friends and peers to prove their masculinity, instead of creating or developing an intimate and mutually respectful relationship with one woman.

“When it comes to sex, unfortunately women are often used as sexual objects and are seen as such, she is not seen as a human, and when this is the case the woman in the relationship must follow all instructions, i.e. when and how the man wants it, and the sexual relationship then becomes the man’s domain and the women’s feelings and wants are disregarded,” said lead trainer Melkie Anton.

One male participant referred to what the bible says about sex.

“Sex is biblical and if we are true Christians as we like to profess we must then do according to what is said in the bible, that sex should be an act experienced between husband and wife based upon respect, love and mutual consent, and both parties must enjoy the act and now just one, when this is not the case, the sexual activity then is unbiblical,” he said.

The training ended on 25 August and was funded by Australia Aid, UNWomen Pacific Regional Ending Violence Against Women Facility Fund, and the Pacific Women’s Network Against Violence Against Women.